The Vow // Meriem Ahmed.

These nights, I often trace my palms.
Trying to draw back the memories of where my hands have been.

Where other palms will now roam.
Any new trembling hand to experience and become familiar with.

Your eyes will lure in new lovers.
One by one, they will all come to know how sweet your smile tastes.

I often wonder, if you will taste differently from one lover to the next?

If perhaps you have already forgotten my taste
with new flavours you are now experimenting?

They will lust the blood circling your veins
and bring it to surface – a warning to others
that right now, you are only loving them.

The way you once, only loved me.

I often wonder
if you will still remember my love
among all those yet to demonstrate
their admiration on the colour of your skin?

Which lover will stand out the most in your lifetime?

Each touch on your flesh has been printed on
by different hands, lips, skin.

For me, you have been them all.
There is no one before you.
There is no one to ever take your place.

My body announced it’s celebicy to any other
when it vowed itself to you.

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GC Poetry: Self-Pride // Seif Salem.

Isn’t it pride that we seek, endlessly in our times,
Isn’t it the pattern we speak, following the same rhymes,
Self-pride could be toxic as it hinders us, like obstacles,
It can deny us certain actions, confine us with its tentacles,
One would pass out on experiences potentially beautiful,
If one is too proud and pretentious, it is only pitiful,
Do not allow its impeding nature to take over and dominate,
Learn to take a step further, be wiser and initiate,
On the other hand, its lack can be very deceiving,
The fright of mediation, and how abstaining can be relieving,
It wears you down, depresses you, having no pride,
There is no instinctive confidence, something one can’t hide,
We’re all constantly pressured, by either of its extremities,
It moulds our every move, often triggering inner calamities,
We are in need of harmony, balancing this pride of ours,
Adjust to a righteous amount, and the courage it empowers,
Keep this balance in line, take control of it consciously,
Free your pride from all parameters and factors essentially,
Let it not exceed to go overboard, or sink the whole soul,
Let it not be extinguished, to undermine its critical role.

A Love Dictionary // Meriem Ahmed.

I have used up all of love’s words in trying to love you.
No words are enough to express the love I have for you.
No words are enough to get you to understand it either.

I tried to put my trust in love’s actions rather than it’s words.
I thought, perhaps you are more a practical learner than theory.

I put aside the nouns
left behind the adjectives
and I spoke in tongue – namely, yours.

I forgot that love doesn’t always love back
regardless of the way in which you love it.

Love doesn’t always love back.
At least not for as long as it promised it would.

Love dies out.

As lovers change throughout the seasons –
my love for you remains the same.

Strong as it was from the day I first spoke your name.
Strong even when you no longer speak mine.

The Art Of Over-Thinking.

As an over thinker, I can tell you there is nothing more frustrating than being told to “stop” overthinking. As if it were a choice, as if I have willingly chose to live with this parasite that haunts my mind every single day. As though I hadn’t thought of it myself over 19 years, to try and simply “stop” overthinking. Unfortunately, overthinking is much more complex – it is an art, a masterpiece of the mind and the abuse of it’s power.

My experience with overthinking has taken so much away from my life. There have been significant times when my mental health deteriorated to extremely poor levels, because I didn’t know how to shut my brain off. I still don’t. I remember as a little girl, I would always think out every possible scenario in my mind, plan my outfits for birthday parties days before, and re-think the outfit a million times and still change it on the day. Overthinking was in it’s most innocent form in my younger years – nothing too out of the ordinary. As I got older, and went through different experiences, school, college, making new friends, losing other ones, relationships, embarking on my career, my mind began to spiral completely out of control.

As an over thinker, if you’re saying something, we’ve probably already thought it. We have tried every possible solution to try and shut down our minds, before we give in and accept this part of our minds that we must learn to live with. We know we’re overthinking. We know we’re being “paranoid”, a little selfish, and unrealistic. We spend so much time, too much time, thinking out different scenarios until one is bound to eventually come true. That is all it takes – one single confirmation of our paranoia, and suddenly overthinking dictates every aspect of our lives.

However, in no way knowing that we are over thinkers, stops us from being so. Recognising the symptoms does not provide the cure. In fact, I have lost hope of a cure for overthinking. In my own struggle with overthinking, I have found things that have eased the experience, but never fully solved the problem. For example, I like having someone stay with me on the phone until I sleep, to distract my mind from overthinking. There have been so many nights, where I have been grateful to have someone on the other end of the line, to help share the weight of my thoughts. But, overthinking doesn’t just strike when night falls – it is a fear that plays on your mind, day and night.

Overthinking is every fear that holds you back. It’s worrying about things that might never happen. It’s never truly letting go of things that have. It’s being home to a mind that is going a million miles a minute, never slowing or shutting down until you’re physically and mentally drained. It’s the pause between texts or typing and deleting a message a million times before sending it. It’s also sending a ton of texts one after the other, all in big block paragraphs, because no amount of words can explain the thoughts rushing through your head all at once. It’s rambling on the phone, firing from one topic to the next, because there is always another thought popping into your head every other second. It’s the constant string of questions you have, and the need for answers that you might not always get.

Overthinking is the doubt that destroys you. It’s the voice of criticism that haunts your every decision. The voice that always makes you doubt yourself, and everything around you. The voice that always names the 101 reasons why you are not good enough, why you never will be. It brings your mistakes back up, just when you thought you had forgot them. It’s the wait for the next big mistake you’ll make. It’s waiting for something constantly, and having no clue what it is you’re waiting for. It’s waiting for something to go wrong, because overthinking has brought everything you have ever loved to a dramatic end, and gave you no one to blame but yourself.

In relationships, it’s the fear that you’re better off alone because you need so much understanding in a partner. It’s constantly expressing apologies you didn’t need to say in the first place, simply because you’re sorry for constantly questioning and thinking the worst. It’s the struggle in trying to explain to the person you love that it isn’t them you’re doubting, it’s not your lack of trust in them – it’s your lack of trust in yourself. It’s your own self doubt that is eating you alive. It’s trying to explain to the person you love, that you need to constantly be reassured, that you could never tire of hearing certain things over and over again, like “I love you”, or “we are okay”, or “I’m not going to leave you.” It’s needing them to say things, and mean them, and stick them through – to not fall back on promises. It’s the pain you have to face if they can’t understand why you need to hear things like that so often, or the complete self doubt that follows if they leave.

It’s needing them to be honest all the time, and to explain things very clearly, so that your mind isn’t left to fill in the blanks. It’s preferring awkward conversations and constant fighting, over bad communication. It’s wanting to constantly talk things through, so that there is always an open space for discussion and so closure is always attainable. The worst thing you can do to an over thinker in a relationship is to not communicate with them. You are handing them the gun to point to their head. Over thinkers would rather scream their heads off and fight until the morning, and then spend the rest of the night making up, than brush things under a rug, while our mind is still running around looking for closure, creating ten more problems, than the original one at hand.

Overthinking is caring too much, about so much. It’s caring for the people you love more than yourself. It’s caring too much what the people in your life think of you, how much they value you or how they view you. It’s pretending that ignored text doesn’t even impact you, when actually all you can think about is what you did wrong? What you could have you done to prevent the worst? It’s carefully picking your words because you never want to hurt someone intentionally. It’s trying to find solutions to problems that don’t even exist. It’s worrying about the future, to the point that you can’t even focus on the now. It’s trying to have a plan for everything, so that you can always be prepared. It’s overthinking when those plans fall through. It’s hoping you have the energy to draw up new ones.

Overthinking is waking up every day, hoping today will be better than the day before. It is also coming to terms that it might not be, because you have learned to expect the worst. It’s dreaming of a day when your mind no longer haunts your body, even though you’ve never known a time in your life when it didn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

35 Life Lessons I Learned In 2017.

In no particular order, here are the lessons I learned in 2017;

1.  Taking care of your mental health will enhance you more potential in all aspects of your life.

2. You have to learn to let go of friendships that no longer serve a purpose in your life, no matter how long you thought they would last.

3. Stand in front of the mirror, and envision your wildest dreams, and watch the universe make your reflection, a reality.

4. Fight for anything you believe in, and when you feel like giving up – fight some more.

5. Trust until trust is broken.

6. If you want to know a person well, travel with them.

7. Love him like you have guaranteed your happy ending.

8. Put the work in your passion, and be passionate about your work.

9. Some relationships take up too much time in your life, and some relationships just need time.

10. Appreciate the people who go out of their way for you, with no agenda or obligation.

11. You can’t force your relationship with God.

12. The hardest process is letting go of something you still want.

13. What is awaiting you beyond the horizon is unknown and ever changing, but the waves of the beach listen to what you hope to find.

14. If someone has done wrong by you, life will force their apology.

15. You can never listen to a song you associate a memory with, at least not in the same way.

16. Seize every opportunity life gives you, and remember that others wish they had the same.

17. Once you get a taste of real love, you will do anything to try save it.

18. Don’t ever let pride get in the way of helping others, or asking others for help.

19.  Intimacy is good for the soul.

20. Stop doing for others what they are lazy to do for themselves.

21. Being honest about who you are is power over people’s opinions.

22. Learn to appreciate what you have against the magnitude of what you have lost.

23. New friendships can become as important as your oldest ones.

24. If someone makes a genuine effort to come back into your life, hold the door open wide for them.

25. There is no such thing as coincidence – everything happens for a reason.

26. Love is choosing to try harder each day than the day before, even when you cannot guarantee the outcome.

27. Don’t ever settle for less in life than what you daydream about.

28. You cannot “stop” overthinking, you can only try to sleep before it takes full control.

29. The hardest battle is between what you know and what you feel.

30. You can be in your own bed, in your own house, and still want to go home.

31. Looking through photos is just another way of counting all the people who are no longer a part of your life.

32. An essential factor of success is naming your fears, and facing them.

33. Long distance bracelets are pointless if you can’t handle long distance relationships.

34. Strive to be as strong as the woman who raised you.

35. Life eventually finds it’s way back to the middle, balancing all of it’s good and bad.

MY 2018 NY RESOLUTION:
I want to learn more about what kind of adult and citizen of the world I aspire to be in my lifetime, and exercise that daily.